Hello mamas,
I am by nature a private person, but have also had a really challenging year. This has compelled me to share a few personal things, since I often get asked at our live events, ‘How do you do it all?’
I always wondered where this question originated, and what it actually means. Despite the superficial good intentions it feels so laden with expectation and comparison, that as women we need to be good at everything, all the time. I suspect it refers to juggling many hats; being a working mother, managing a business, family, relationships, keeping in good health and all the other activities that life can hold. But no one can do all these things well, all the time.
So the truth is earlier this year I separated from my husband. We were together 14 years, married for 12.5 years. I shared this at our first Story Slam and finale event in November, as well as the details surrounding the life threatening birth of our daughter. Along with five other mamas from our community, we all shared personal stories relating to the theme of ‘Courage’. You can see photos on our gallery page.
We each had 10 minutes, a microphone and poured our hearts out at what was the most attended event in Mama Creatives history, having hosted close to 80 events over the past four years.
March 30 is the official date of my separation. During this time I have experienced every emotion relating to grief and loss, including rage, sadness, shock, anger, forgiveness, and back again. Several times. Over the first 6 months I ate enough chocolate to fill Santa’s sleigh for all the children in Australia, at least.
I also watched so much TV I’m surprised my eyes didn’t ‘turn square’, as my father used to say when we were kids. I caught up on many shows that I had heard about, and a few extra guilty pleasures. These shows would distract me, sometimes I would stay up all night, like in Portlandia when they kept watching every Battlestar Galactica episode, until their lives had completely fallen apart. I’d ask friends to pick up my daughter from school because I hadn’t washed my hair or changed out of my PJs.
But. Thank goodness there’s a but, because I know there isn’t for everyone.
I knew deep down this was what I had wanted but didn’t know how to move on from such a commitment as marriage. I am perhaps one of the only women in Sydney’s eastern suburbs who still washes the dishes (as we don’t have a dishwasher), but it was during this menial task I would often ask myself, ‘what is more courageous, to stay or leave?’, and I could never find the definitive answer. I knew I had been feeling numb regarding my marriage and ignoring it was a decision, which was bound to blow up in my face. When I thought about a new life I would come alive and knew this felt right in my core, but being loyal I also felt compelled to ‘work through the issues’, and keep trying. Having both come from divorced parents we wanted to break this pattern, so we both went to therapy, and it worked at various intervals. Somehow not staying married felt like a failure. I was trapped by shame and my own fear, not wanting to date again at this stage of life. I felt comfort in the familiar, and having survived some serious life events together felt we had earned our place together. These were some of the thoughts that anchored me in my marriage, and kept me from moving on sooner.
Only until I started to share my situation with other women did I realise these issues are so widespread, particularly within long term relationships. I felt such a sense of comfort, relief and liberation exchanging experiences. The shame lifted and my original fears melted way. So here I was, and still am, faced with what is essentially a second chance. Another opportunity to find passion in midlife. To learn deep lessons about my entrenched patterns so I can unlearn them, to grow and really step into who I am with more authenticity and purpose.
Throughout this whole backdrop I also kept to my original Mama Creatives calendar of events, and hosted 14 in all. I also wrote and delivered the opening address at an art exhibition, facilitated two creative workshops, undertook several freelance projects and parented as a single mama. I also launched our Mama Creatives Community Directory, showcasing an incredible talent pool of all our members and presenters. And most recently I added the new Inspired Mama membership. This is our third offer aimed specifically for the more entrepreneurial women who love our Morning Tea Masterclass Series. It took me way longer than usual to deliver on my deadlines. I nearly cancelled some of the Mama Creatives events, especially those where I was the facilitator asking amazing guests interesting questions within a limited time frame, ensuring the audience had a good time, the special guests felt valued, and that I remained on point without losing my sh*t.
While I was at school and university I used to waitress to make extra cash. I learnt early on that even if I felt tired or had a bad day no-one really wants to be served by a negative and lacklustre waitress, it can just bring down anyone’s vibe. I would always be polite, efficient and bubbly. It taught me to be professional, present and respectful of people’s time. They have come to have a night out and expect good service for their hard earned cash. In return, I would get great tips and many repeat customers. I never ‘faked it till I made it’, I actually channelled positive energy for my shift, so I was authentic and enjoyed the experience as much as the customers. That was my job and if I didn’t like it then I could leave and find something else.
The reality is these Mama Creatives events saved me. Every month I had a purpose and focal point, and remained deeply driven to create a great experience for everyone involved, presenter and audience alike. It is also refreshing and powerful to hear another person’s story, that despite, or in spite of their vulnerability they could overcome great adversity to create incredible outcomes in their creative practice, and bring joy and purpose into their lives. This is the power of sharing our stories and being true to our creative process, particularly during times of hardship.
But – yes another but – being a trained therapist, I am very experienced at self care. I immediately organised a mediator to help manage our co-parenting arrangements, a psychologist for my own sanity, and shared my grief with many amazing friends. I also took my daughter on an epic road trip to Bluesfest in Byron Bay, and later on bought her an affectionate kitten, ‘Snowflake’ to help with the transition of our new family dynamic. The benefits of pet therapy are deep no matter our age, and I’m loving her presence in our home too.
I also drew on the strength and support of women from our amazing Mama Creatives community to help me through some of the hardest times. I know I am more fortunate than many having access to so much support, and for this I am truly grateful. I also allowed myself to sit and feel the pain, sometimes by just sitting on the couch watching TV, or through active externalisation of my emotions either by writing and drawing. I also made myself go for walks to change my mood, even if I could barely walk at a decent pace. Over time I got back to my usual pace.
I freed myself up and did things I would never usually do; I had a reading with a psychic, and did the ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ course with an incredible counsellor. I was quite sceptical about this but it was actually one of the most amazing experiences. Yep, I bought the book, and love it! I also discovered Esther Perel’s masterful podcast series, ‘Where Should We Begin’, which I found revelatory. All these amazing people and experiences have given me so much more wisdom, and freedom and strength.
I have often likened this experience to walking in driving rain hitting your face, it’s challenging but makes you feel really alive again.
So, I am back in the land of the living and am preparing for 2018. Next year’s Mama Creatives’ theme is Creative Flourishing, which incorporates a really diverse calendar to help you flourish creatively. We kick off our season with an evening talk on Tuesday 20 February featuring the most amazing mama, Vietnamese refugee and creative entrepreneur Diem Fuggersberger. We are also delighted to be hosting our Masterclass series at the fabulous Australian Design Centre, with our first Morning Tea,‘Breaking Through Self Limiting Beliefs’, on Thursday 1 March, featuring clinical psychologist Dr Jodie Lowinger. You can see more about our 2018 events and amazing presenters here.
I will also be starting work in my dream role as a clinical art therapist working with children and families, at the Sydney Anxiety Clinic. I often say as creative people we are at an advantage because we have the ability to express ourselves, and create meaning doing what we enjoy, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day.
My word for 2018 is Power. I invite and encourage you to step into yours. Our next Story Slam theme is Discovery. If you would like to participate in this event and share your ten minute Discovery story please contact us with your pitch. There will only be six spots available.
Wishing you a happy holidays, I hope you enjoy some quality time with those who matter the most in your world. I look forward to seeing you in 2018.
Anna Kellerman, Founder & Chief Mama,
Mama Creatives xx
